Two Sundays ago marks the second anniversary of when Nathan and I lost what would have been our third baby. We barely knew she existed and then she was gone. I don't know if she was a boy or a girl but my heart tells me she was a girl. I call her baby April.
The day was spent in a quiet way and I cried myself to sleep. On Monday I bought flowers and the simple, purple blooms still look beautiful today. They represent our loss, but they also represent our fragile hope.
You see, just the previous Tuesday, Nathan and I found out that I'm pregnant again! The baby is due in December. We feel very blessed and excited about our Christmas baby.
As with every pregnancy I'm blessed with, I feel a mix of emotions. I feel excited and I daydream about how adorable it will be to have a Christmas baby, whether it is a boy or a girl, and what kind of personality it will have. I also feel cautious. I worry about getting my hopes up too high and what people I should tell the wonderful news to because, as devastating as it is to lose a child, it is magnified by having to inform others about the loss. My worries are justified but they don't accomplish anything and the feeling of having something so completely out of my control is overwhelming at times. Nathan and I describe it as playing Russian roulette with the very heart beating in our chest.
I read a verse yesterday that spoke right to me. It is Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." The key is faith and keeping my heart in God's hands. It is a promise. It's not a promise that everything will go as I want but that, no matter what happens, I will have peace.
And I don't even need a whole barrel load of faith! All it takes is a grain, a mustard seed smidgen of faith. Matthew 17:20 says, "For assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."
Children are a blessing from God (Psalm 127:-5) and every day that I get to carry this baby is a miracle. So I've told everyone I can about our newest blessing. I watch what I eat, I try to reduce stress, get adequate sleep, and take it easy when I need to. And I continue to daydream. I am working through a baby name book with Nathan and we're making room for this baby in our home and our hearts. Because it's my mustard seed. It's what I can do to move my mountain.