Confession

Hi, my name is Jenni and I have a problem with body image. There, I said it. I think it all started when I was about sixteen and I discovered one day (much to my horror) that my butt had grown considerably, complete with stretch marks. Innocent me, I didn't even know such things were possible! I knew there was nothing I could do about it so I tried to shrug it off and not let it bother me. But it was always in the back of my mind and I would wonder if there was something I could have done to prevent it.

I stayed pretty thin and wore the same jeans from high school until I became pregnant with my son. I knew that being pregnant would come with the added bonus of weight gain but I was still shocked when, at one of my last prenatal visits, the scale showed that I was almost 160. I was thinking "I'm only 5' 5"! How did that happen?"

After he was born, the obsession to lose the weight started. I didn't have the time or the money for a gym membership and my husband was working incredibly long hours. I didn't want to go walking or jogging by myself every day so I did the only thing I knew would work. I didn't eat. I would eat something like toast or a bowl or cereal for breakfast and sip coffee all day long until dinner. The coffee made it feel like there was something in my stomach but it did nothing for my lack of energy. My husband became increasingly concerned about how weak I was that he was constantly telling me to eat something. I said I would eat when I lost the weight.

And most of the weight came off by the time I became pregnant with Jazmyn. I was five pounds away from where I wanted to be. Several months into the pregnancy was when I started seeing my midwife and she pressed the issue of eating lots of healthy food for the baby. The thought of gaining a lot of weight terrified me but I tried to push my feelings aside and follow her recommendations.

Jazmyn was born in June so shorts, sun dresses, and swim suits were in season. I started out with a good attitude of "The weight will come off eventually." and "It took nine months to gain this, it's going to take some time to come off". But after having several people ask me how far along I was, and when my baby was due, (sometimes while I was holding my infant!) I became increasingly depressed. I would bounce around from starving myself, trying to exercise, and times of doing nothing and thinking, "What's the point? I'm just going to get pregnant again and gain it all back!"

I was probably twenty pounds away from my ideal weight when I got pregnant with Eden. This time I was determined to eat plenty of nutritious food and grow a healthy baby. I was successful, she weighed nine pounds at birth, but it also came at a cost for me. Who would have thought it was possible to gain so much weight on an almost completely organic diet? Well, it's possible and here I am.

As soon as she was born I started thinking about exercising, cutting back portion sizes, and fitting into my "skinny jeans". Yes, I've still kept some jeans that I haven't worn in almost four years because somehow I think they will serve as motivation. I fantasize about putting on a bikini again and what that will feel like.

It's a daily struggle for me to eat enough for my nursing baby.  I still have days where I'll skip meals, convinced that the hunger pains mean my body is consuming fat. If I miss a day of working out, I'll eat less, chew gum and work out that much harder the next day. When I step on a scale I'm willing the dial to move down with my mind.

This behavior is unfair to myself, is obsessive, and it's a sin. That's why I need Jesus. I need His reminder every day that He loves me just the way I am and that losing weight could not make Him love me more. He reminds me that the women of faith in the Bible have no mention of their weight. Even the Proverbs 31 women is not held to a standard of thin. My body is a temporary shell that won't last but my relationship with Jesus will last forever.

I hate admitting that this is a part of me, but it is and I am thankful for my husband who tells me I'm beautiful every day. I know he believes it and I am learning to believe it for myself. I want to be a good example to other women and my own daughters of what it means to be truly beautiful.

Eden turned two months old three days ago. I made it! I actually survived the first two months with three kids. There were definitely some overwhelming moments, times when all three of the kids would be crying and screaming and all I could do was pray that God would give me just enough grace to get through the rest of the day. And the grace would come because He is so faithful. There were also a lot of beautiful moments. Like seeing Eden smile for the first time. Or watching her when she is first awake in the morning and all she wants to do is kick her legs and coo. Witnessing her eyes light up when she heard Jazmyn say "Don't cry, baby Bear." So many precious moments that go by way to fast.

I was so blessed to have Nathan be able to take two weeks off after Eden was born. I spent most all of it at home with my family, bonding, resting and recuperating. When he went back to work, my friend, Nikki, was over many times to help. She was a Godsend! She fixed lunches, did laundry, played with the kids, and kept me company. She saved my sanity in those early weeks of adjustment.

My parents have faithfully been coming over every Saturday to visit and give me a reprieve while Nathan's still working weekends. It has been so nice to spend time with them and the kids really look forward to it. It is such a blessing to have them living so close to us.

We were able to go up to Pendleton for a few days to visit with my aunt, uncle, and grandparents. My aunt Marie was so hospitable and made us feel right at home. I really enjoyed all of the quality time we got to spend with everyone.

It's amazing how every baby is different. It never ceases to amaze me how something that worked so well to soothe one of my babies does absolutely nothing for the others! Eden is a very sweet, happy baby for the most part, but during her colicy times she gets her point across about how mad she is! Nathan and I have to tag team during dinner on most nights because that is her fussiest time. Thankfully she's been sleeping through the night (other than feedings) since she was born. I'm not sure how I would be able to function if she chose to spend nights doing her colic routine.

Her first bath

Sucking on Mommy's finger

She's Finally Here!

My daughter, Jazmyn, was born ten days after her due date. So, as my due date with Eden approached, I tried to mentally prepare myself for that to happen again by counting down to forty-two weeks. But when the forty-two week mark came and went, it felt very much like stepping off of a ledge. I didn't have anything to count down to anymore and the not-knowing was very unnerving.

I had an appointment with my friend and midwife, Tiffany, a few days after the forty-two week mark and, after checking on me and the baby, she offered to strip my membranes as she had with Jazmyn. I was definitely ready to be done being pregnant, but as long as we were both doing well, I was determined to wait for the baby and my body to decide when they were ready for labor.

On Christmas morning, I woke up early in the morning with a sore throat and just generally felt miserable. I took some supplements, gargled some vinegar, and went back to sleep for a couple more hours. During breakfast around ten, I suddenly got a strong contraction that took me by surprise. After I got several more at about ten minutes apart, I knew that labor had finally started. I was very excited, but I was still feeling sick so I tried to rest as much as I could all day.

My parents, my sister, and her family came over late in the afternoon and we ate dinner and opened presents. Later that evening, my contractions were getting closer together but because I was still feeling so ill, I knew that I wouldn't have the energy to give birth if I didn't get some sleep. So, following my midwife's recommendation, I drank a glass of wine and went to bed.

The wine helped me sleep for a little while, but soon I started getting awakened by strong contractions that were eight minutes apart. By the time morning came, I was exhausted and near tears because I just wanted to sleep! I ate some breakfast and my contractions finally lessened enough for me to sleep for several hours. When I woke up around one in the afternoon, I took a shower and ate some leftovers from Christmas dinner. I was surprised at how much better I felt and knew that I could face labor with renewed energy. My family showed up again to have dinner with us and I informed them that we were about to welcome our baby! They were so excited that they were going to be there for the birth!

We talked, snacked and played a board game while I quietly labored on the birth ball. By four o'clock, my contractions began to demand all of my attention. I retreated to my bedroom and told Nathan to start filling up the birth pool. As we were waiting for it to fill, Nathan cuddled with me and I made a comment about how I was surprised that my water hadn't broken. I mentioned how rare it was for a baby to be born "in the caul" or without a ruptured amniotic sack, but that it was considered very lucky!

An hour went by and my contractions were coming every four minutes and lasting just over a minute. When I informed my Tiffany of this, she told me that she and her assistants would start heading our way. The pool was soon full and I gratefully welcomed the warm embrace of the water.

Nathan had essential oils burning, my Owl City cd (that he had just given me for Christmas) playing, and the video camera set up to record the birth. He also made sure that temperature in the room and the pool was warm and comfortable. I am so blessed to have a husband who knows just what I need
when I'm in labor!

Tiffany, Nikki, and Jenny arrived at about six-thirty. Tiffany checked the baby's heart tones and asked how I was doing and if we needed anything. I said I was so excited and also hungry, so Nikki and Jenny made Nathan and I peanut butter sandwiches. Tiffany read to me out of the fourth Twilight book and we laughed and talked between contractions.

Nathan started to notice that my contractions were getting harder to manage so he joined me in the pool. Being able to hold onto him was very helpful and comforting as I went through transition. My contractions were very strong but they still had several minutes in between so I had a hard time believing that I was nearing the end when I felt my first pushing surge. I felt her head about an inch in and still covered in the sack!

It felt so amazing to feel my pushing surges after laboring for so long! I felt so powerful and in tune with my body as I breathed my baby down. I also knew that I would see my baby within minutes and that was a thrilling thought! After a few more contractions, I could feel the head bulging and starting to crown. Tiffany asked if she could check the heart tones one more time when I was ready and I nodded, deep in concentration. She didn't get a chance to because the next contraction came and I smiled and said, "The head's out!" Sure enough, she was still covered in the amniotic sack. I waited for the next contraction and with a little push she slid out and I pulled her up to my chest! She knew what her lungs were for and started crying right away.

It was such a surreal, beautiful moment. Nathan kissed me and told me how amazing I was, I gushed about how gorgeous the baby girl was that I had just birthed, and Tiffany was crying too hard to speak. My mom and sister came into the room and were so excited to see the brand new baby!

Eden's first picture.

Tiffany holding our new baby! It was so awesome so have her there.

Nathan weighing his brand new baby girl!

Eden Marie was nine pounds, with a head full of dark hair and big, blue eyes. She showed some signs of being post-date but she was as healthy as could be! Her birth was so smooth and easy on me and I feel so very blessed!

Changes and Beautiful Anticipation

This fall has been a whirlwind so far! Two days after Nathan's birthday on September 18, we got a call from our land lady. She informed us that she had plans to turn the house we were living in into an adult foster care home. She'd been in the process of getting the go-ahead from the state for several months but she had held off on telling us (probably for fear of loosing money if we had moved out sooner). She gave us thirty days to find a new place to live.

We have several conditions that made finding a suitable home difficult. One is that Nathan drives a company truck and in order to use that truck and also because he's on call a lot, he has to be within a certain distance from his work. Another is that we have several animals, including a horse, that require lots of room and an agreeable landlord!

We searched every day for weeks and were getting close to the deadline, as well as becoming increasingly discouraged, when we applied for a place between Terrebonne and Madras. The house was less than ideal but it was our only option for a place with land. It turns out that they had given us false information and it had already been rented. We resigned ourselves to the fact that we were just going to have to find a small place in Redmond and board the horse until we found something at a later time.

Then the most amazing thing happened. Nathan and I both separately just got a feeling that we were supposed to look in Madras. Within one day he found a property management company, I called them, viewed a house, and put in an application! We were accepted right away and we were thrilled. We ended up moving in a week before we had to be out of our old home and it was an easier transition than I had anticipated.

The house is a lovely four bedroom home on several acres which we can fence for our horse. Nathan loves the fact that it has an attached garage and I am enjoying the extra storage, especially the pantry! We still have a few things to put in order but for the most part we're settled in. We are so thankful to God for how everything worked out for the better and it was such a journey in trusting Him. He is our gracious Father and it is so precious how He blesses His children even when we don't deserve it!

Now that I'm thirty-six weeks pregnant, the mood around our household is switching from business and chaos to a calmer, more prepared anticipation. I was able to order an actual birth pool online and Nathan's insurance reimbursed us for it. It is so large and comfortable! We took it for a "test run" and I can see it working beautifully for the birth.

Angel talks about the new baby a lot. I'm pretty sure he knows what's going to happen. Jazmyn loves to pat and kiss the belly and we tell her that there's a baby in there but I doubt she can comprehend that. We are planning on having both the children at home for the birth so the transition should be smooth.

After discussing it with my midwife, we decided to have four lovely ladies at the birth. We will have our main midwife, Tiffany and her assistant Annie be our primary care-givers and their two assistants, Jenny and Nikki be there as well for support and assistance if need be. I'm very blessed to have such an awesome, supportive team to share this experience with. I love them all : )

We are all very excited about this birth. I know it's going to be an awesome experience and I'm really looking forward to meeting this baby. I have my suspicions that this baby is going to come early but I'm hoping for December fifteenth. For some reason I picked that date and I'm sticking with it! We'll just have to see when this baby decides to show up. Whatever the date, it's going to be amazing.

" You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you" Isaiah 26:3

Fall is almost here...

As summer is coming to a close, I am beginning to really feel like it's down to "crunch time". There is a lot of change going on around the Rettig-Yordy household. My son will start home school preschool on Tuesday, my daughter decided to stop nursing a few weeks ago, and our new baby will be here in as little as ten weeks!
For my son, our preschool curriculum is very much geared toward his own interests. My goal is to set a few short times during the day for him to focus on one activity at a time and he'll probably run around the house like he usually does the rest of the time! He's a very smart little boy and he loves to learn, but it's time for him to learn some self control by doing some fun, organized activities together. He amazes me by how much he can remember and his boundless energy is contagious.
My daughter, now that she's fifteen months, has decided she no longer needs mommy's milk. This transition was bittersweet for me. On one hand, I miss the bonding time that only breastfeeding offers but on the other hand, it was becoming extremely uncomfortable from all of my pregnancy hormones. She also wants to sleep in her own bed now, so I've been trying to make up for all the lost cuddle time throughout the day. She still doesn't say a whole lot, but she has no trouble communicating in other ways! She's such a sweet, smart little girl.
We're making plans for baby Lane's arrival. We're going to have a home waterbirth again and we want to try to do as much as we can ourselves. We want it to be a very intimate experience. I still have the same midwife, Tiffany, and she and her assistant, Annie, are a great addition to our birth team. We have all of his precious newborn clothes laid out in his dresser and we only have a few more items to get for him. I can't wait to meet this strong, active little boy inside of me!
I thank God every day for my precious family and how much they help me depend on Him for everything. Raising a family has really taught me to keep relying on His all-sufficient grace and love.
With that said, I welcome fall with open arms! Hurrah for football, pumpkin patches, corn mazes, sweatshirts, haunted houses, and snuggling on the couch will my hubby!

My New Baby Resolutions

It has been a while since I've posted anything to my blog! Summer always seems to be a busy time for everyone. I think the warm weather kicks everyone into high gear and it's all a rush to get things done before fall sets in.
I know that I have my summer projects ahead of me! I'm not the kind of person who makes New Year's resolutions, but if you ask my husband, he'll agree that I definitely make new baby resolutions! With every pregnancy we've had, I've made a list which he'll swear is a mile long (it's really only a few yards) of things that we have to do and buy to get ready for the new baby. The list for this baby is by far the longest yet.
Fortunately for our ridiculously tight budget, most of the items on the list can be found second hand and the other things listed are things that require good old fashioned elbow grease and time spent indoors. All of which my dear hubby will no doubt greet with unbound enthusiasm I'm sure! He really is a sweet heart for understanding my need to have everything "just so" before the new baby.
As I said before, the list is quite long, but a few things on it would be decorating the master bath and bedroom, organizing and putting items in storage to make more room, finishing the spare room and study, buying baby clothes sized 3-9 months, and completing my doula certification.
I'm very thankful that Nathan's days off are now Wednesdays through Fridays. Since not a lot goes on around town on those days, it's not such a sacrifice to stay home. I'm also thankful that our kids have such sweet grandparents who offer to watch them for a little bit so Nathan and I can get a break now and then! One thing I know we would both like to do would be to take a weekend to ourselves before the baby comes.
For family news, we've had quite a fun kick off to summer. We were able to visit friends and family in the "Valley" as well as the zoo and our other favourite, Ikea! There's been grilling and horseback riding, swimming, fireworks, and fun in the sandbox. I'm looking forward to more summer fun and I'm hoping that this pregnancy will continue to be as easy on me as it has been so far!

My mustard seed...

Two Sundays ago marks the second anniversary of when Nathan and I lost what would have been our third baby. We barely knew she existed and then she was gone. I don't know if she was a boy or a girl but my heart tells me she was a girl. I call her baby April.
The day was spent in a quiet way and I cried myself to sleep. On Monday I bought flowers and the simple, purple blooms still look beautiful today. They represent our loss, but they also represent our fragile hope.
You see, just the previous Tuesday, Nathan and I found out that I'm pregnant again! The baby is due in December. We feel very blessed and excited about our Christmas baby.
As with every pregnancy I'm blessed with, I feel a mix of emotions. I feel excited and I daydream about how adorable it will be to have a Christmas baby, whether it is a boy or a girl, and what kind of personality it will have. I also feel cautious. I worry about getting my hopes up too high and what people I should tell the wonderful news to because, as devastating as it is to lose a child, it is magnified by having to inform others about the loss. My worries are justified but they don't accomplish anything and the feeling of having something so completely out of my control is overwhelming at times. Nathan and I describe it as playing Russian roulette with the very heart beating in our chest.
I read a verse yesterday that spoke right to me. It is Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." The key is faith and keeping my heart in God's hands. It is a promise. It's not a promise that everything will go as I want but that, no matter what happens, I will have peace.
And I don't even need a whole barrel load of faith! All it takes is a grain, a mustard seed smidgen of faith. Matthew 17:20 says, "For assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."
Children are a blessing from God (Psalm 127:-5) and every day that I get to carry this baby is a miracle. So I've told everyone I can about our newest blessing. I watch what I eat, I try to reduce stress, get adequate sleep, and take it easy when I need to. And I continue to daydream. I am working through a baby name book with Nathan and we're making room for this baby in our home and our hearts. Because it's my mustard seed. It's what I can do to move my mountain.